"Dear Debi..."
Q&A
Here's advice Debi shared with a young mom following a presentation.
Question: My husband comes home from work and is always disappointed with how little I got done during the day. How can I get him to understand what my life is like?
Answer: For all the talk about equality between men and women, some things will never, ever, EVER be equal. For example, greet your husband wearing one of his dress shirts, and suddenly you're cute and sexy and sultry. But if he greets you in one of your blouses, he's just scary. Another example: You can have girlfriends, but he can't have boyfriends. Keeping tally marks in marriage -- as if every little thing has an equal counterpart -- is a reeeeally bad idea.
Let's contrast his situation and yours for a sec. He works in a professional environment with educated adults who understand teamwork, can function independently and enjoy business lunches at restaurants with real plates. You work in a chaotic environment with illiterate, non-potty-trained people who continually interrupt and undermine you, and often your lunch is the cold pizza crust from the high chair tray. What about that is equal? Nothing. On the other hand, he may have to endure a marathon of boring meetings while you get to visit with other moms at the park and stop for ice cream on the way home.
Before getting defensive about perceived productivity, ask yourself if he's making a valid point. Are you so much of a super-mommy-playmate to your kids that you've disengaged from household tasks? Has discouragement or depression taken hold to the point that you can't handle the usual domestic demands? Or is your husband just a big whiney baby?
Ask your husband to identify his No. 1 priority. If it's an immaculate home, then tell him the only way that may happen is to park the kids in front of videos all day and/or hire a cleaning service. Encourage your husband to make his No. 1 expectation specific. Would he feel better if all the bedrooms are tidy, or if the kitchen is spotless? Or maybe he doesn't care about the house but instead wants all the bills paid or the laundry done or a fantastic evening meal. Put the ball in his court and remind him that everything's a tradeoff. (Also be aware that his complaint about your productivity might go into a deeper issue, but let's try simple things first.)
The most important thing? Something I discounted for years thinking it was an outdated, last-ditch effort: pray. Ask God to help your husband and you love each other more every day, and to protect your marriage from arguing and discontent.
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